Friday, March 6, 2015

What does the future hold?

To whoever may be in the future,
I now am in the struggle of a lifetime, I feel torn about everything. I don't know where to go or who to turn to. There are some times of happiness in my time of despair but it's still not enough. I hope that by the time you receive this everything has worked itself out and there is no more despair but until that point just remember It will all be O.K. in the end. Mom and Dad have turned against me, at least that's how it feels, which mean they've turned against you too, but maybe that has changed by the time you get this. It feels like I can never do anything right, and when I try it just gets ten times worse. Is it still like that? How could I possibly know if it is. Its like when you look to the horizon to see when the storm clouds stop but it looks like they will just keep coming, with no end even visible. It's a terrible feeling. John and I aren't getting along either. It's all about him nowadays, and even though I am struggling with EVERYTHING, no one seems to care because he is losing his job which makes it 10 times more important. I understand that but sometimes it would be nice to have Mom and Dad see how much I'm struggling and ease up on me. It's the same thing at archery. I don't work well under pressure, has that changed yet? I hope it has because where you're going (or where I'm going and you'll end up) there is so much more pressure put on you everyday for everything you do. Coach David seems to think that I can handle all of this stress after everything that has been going on at home, and I try to be brave and suck it up, so no one knows, but it's getting harder and harder to keep in. I've started to question whether or not I've made the right decision. Have I? Have I made the right decision? You are the only one who truly knows, but I guess there isn't anything anyone can do about it, unless there is better technology, and someone has made a time machine. In that case if I have made a bad decision, please go back and tell me, It will help you too you know. The only times I'm truly happy are when I am with my second family. I know what you must be thinking. What? You already have two families. How can you possibly have another family? But you already know the answer because I know the answer. The answer is my archery family. All of the people who support me and make me happy. But as soon as I step out of that old factory building, into the street, and then into the car to go home it just disappears, like it never happened, until at 3:00 I go back the next day. Mondays are the hardest because I don't get that happiness from them. But then it comes right back on Tuesday and doesn't stop until next Monday. You already know all of this, but as bad as everything is I keep on pushing through because I know somewhere deep down that everything will get better. Has it gotten better yet? If it hasn't just remember it always gets better in the end. If not forever then just look forward to those little bits of happiness you get in the never ending times of despair.
                                                                                       the person you used to be

I sealed the envelope feeling better for a little while because I had put down everything I needed to to feel like I had said everything for that moment. On the envelope I wrote, to be opened in 5 years, when everything has hopefully gotten better. I stood up from my desk and went to the closet in the corner of my room. I opened the door and found the shoebox on the top shelf. I took it down, opened the lid and put the envelope inside. What does the future hold? I guess we'll never know until we get there.
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